It is definitely a challenge for me to talk about this topic about living with depression. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but for me personally, it is desperately hard to put these feelings into words. Or even if I could, I’m not sure people who don’t have to live with these problems would be able to understand what I’m going to share. But I’ll give it a try anyway.
If you’re visiting this post, there’s a possibility that you or someone close to you is needing help. Please contact the national suicide prevention hotline in your country. If you can’t find one, please visit https://projectsemicolon.com/ where you can find other fighters, just like you ❤
Let’s get started…
I’ve been living with depression and social anxiety for years and got diagnosed just recently, in 2017, after I attempted to commit suicide. I didn’t know that I’ve been depressed since I was a kid and I thought it was something that everyone feels. I thought the same way about my anxiety. Maybe I was (or I still am) being over sensitive and always take everything personally. Or maybe I was unaware about what was happening inside my mind.
Whatever it was, trust me, it was horrible.
The First Depression Wave
Let me start trying to describe it from the beginning of my daily living with depression when it started to kick in. Before I begin, I’d like to tell you that I’ve named my ‘it’. His name is Mr. Bree, my inner best friend from the darkness who always tell me to end my life because he believes that this world would be a better place without me. I’ll prove him wrong.
What I’m about to tell you happens often to me. When Mr. Bree came, the first thing that I usually had in mind right after I woke up was to cut my arms or my wrist. My mind suddenly had the ability to alter the eeriness of bleeding and turn it into pleasure. It told me that it would feel even better if I cut it deeper and deeper. And, somehow, by the magical unseen force of desperation, I did it. I’m so grateful that I’m still here today, writing something for you.
Possible solution: Try to reach for your phone immediately and call someone who understands what you’re going through. Distract your mind by talking to other people who might not upset you even more. I found this helpful and essential to prevent me from self-harm.
The Second Depression Wave
After hours of struggling with that early morning suicidal thought, the second wave of attack came into place. But this time, Mr. Bree played it nice. He didn’t ask me to hurt myself or end my life, he simply took all of my energy. I slept for seven hours as normal people do, and I felt extremely exhausted just two hours after I woke up.
Do you think this is better than feeling suicidal?
Nope, you’re wrong.
Imagine your current job requires high energy, focus, and concentration. If these three essential things were taken away from you for at least two weeks, how do you think your job performance would be? You will start feeling insecure, self-doubt, or even have some low self-esteem. In my opinion, and in my experience, having these feelings plus extreme low energy could end up being a disaster for my career. Trust me, I’ve tried multiple jobs and failed because of the same reason: Mr. Bree. I don’t blame him though. After all, he lives in me.
Possible Solution: Try to find a job that doesn’t require a high level of focus and concentration. And the most important thing is to make sure that you enjoy the job. If you’re enjoying it, there’s a possibility that you won’t lose so much energy while doing your work.
The Third Depression Wave
The first and second attack wave of living with depression definitely had drained my whole energy. And this third attack wave would surely prevent me from recharging my battery. I felt physically and emotionally exhausted, and I desperately needed some rest. But Mr. Bree did what he’s best at: not letting me do what I needed to do.
When I laid my-almost-cracked-body on my bed, he started to recall all the bad things in my mind. My fears, my insecurities, the bad memories that I supposed to let go, the bad decisions that I made in the past, etc. In another word, I overthought about everything that I shouldn’t be worried about. But somehow, I couldn’t stop thinking about them and it could last for hours until I realized that the sun was about to come out and I still had not slept yet.
Four years ago, I made a Facebook post on my personal page, stating, “Depression causes insomnia, insomnia causes depression”, and I still have to live with both of them! I haven’t found the best solution to solve this problem yet. But the solution that I’m about to write down works for me most of the time.
Possible solution: Try to listen to brainwaves frequency for 30 minutes. Set it to Alpha, and when you start feeling sleepy, set it to Delta. I found it’s best to use when you are already in a perfect condition to sleep so you don’t have to wake up in the middle of the session just because you forget to brush your teeth.
P.S. As I write this post, it is 6 AM in my time zone and I haven’t had any sleep yet 😉
I could’ve ended this post, but I decided to keep going…
It’s just like my life. A part of me named Mr. Bree could’ve ended my life, but I decided to keep going. This is the reason why I invited you to check out Project Semicolon because there are lots of fighters who are also fighting the same enemy: depression.
You may be able to relate what I have written in this post to what you’re going through. Or, if you may not, you should understand that I share my experience because I want you to know that you’re not in this alone. You can always talk to me if you want to.
Living with depression is a struggle, but please remember that help is always available and you are way stronger than your depression ❤
Dime is the founder of The Braindo. An Indonesian and a passionate INFP. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II and decided to create a better life out of it. His biggest dream is to help as many people as possible.